It’s kind of a mish-mash of topics but bear with me. I haven’t posted an earnest blog in a long time. But my coworker’s blog on jiu jitsu momentarily reignited my passion for blogging.  Three things I’d like to share regarding this month. First, my beau is out on the field training for the entire month. So essentially, that means no contact/ no seeing each other/ no hearing from one another for an entire month minus two days out of the month. At first, I thought I could handle it – as I am better prepared for it, it’s only been three days, and I’m more secure in our foundation compared to February 2014 (when we began dating). But now, my biggest struggle is not having that person with whom I entrust on a frequent basis my daily struggles, wins, and musings. We are super open with each other, and that void is slowly surfacing.

I now realize the importance of deep friendships. I have very few friends I pour my life into deeply and trust, and that are emotionally available; most of them are slow to respond and doggone busy – emotionally and professionally; so they keep things superficial. That’s where I have the problem. I sometimes slump into mild grief over how unknowing my friends are to my loneliness. Perhaps I have something to do with not letting them know how I feel right now. Especially now, at a critical juncture, when the person closest to me is gone, training and sleeping in the woods.

Which leads me to the second topic – mentorship. I realize why military wives and girlfriends plug into support groups tailored just for them. To find community, support, friendship, and sisters to weather the absence, isolation, and solitude women face when their men are away on deployments. So, I recently joined a women’s ministry group that is currently going through a study book on how to lead and mentor as a woman of God. I’ll admit, the setup is a bit rigid and forced; mentorship doesn’t flow in a forced framework. It often flows from a natural gravitation between one older person to/fro a younger, less seasoned person. I’ve been in work mentorships, where the match is, to say the least, forced. Mentorships for me worked out best when there’s a common thread, mythos, bond, or chemistry struck between two people. Or more importantly, it works best when an older woman is drawn very specifically to a particular someone and drives her to want to pour life, encouragement, and uplifting to her. I once had a spiritual mentor and counselor who saw herself in me – which is what made our connection and spark that much more salient. It didn’t feel like work for us to meet up to share very closely and intimately about our personal lives – for her, it’s her marriage and having kids post mid-thirties, for me, it’s been a slew of professional or romantic updates – one of which has stuck.

Last night, I seated myself close to a relatively young woman seemingly similar – a wife to a military guy with a kid or two, living in the area. I brought up our similarity and kindly introduced myself. She gently smiled at first. I asked her more questions about her husband’s situation, connecting to my personal experience. She shortly replied and stopped smiling and started to have an awkward gaze. I told her about my situation, my beau being out on the field and joked about how lonely I felt, and she forced a few laughs. There wasn’t much compassion on her part. Uncomfortable, I got up to get a decaf coffee and cake. I then stealthily moved to another table to avoid the awkwardness. Why are some women so awkward to friendly gestures and desire to connect?

For now, I have two dogs – one that is not mine – a list of errands, a movie I want to catch alone, and books to read.