I just turned 24 on Sunday, and instead of feeling established and certain of my life-standing, I feel as if I’ve slipped into an abysmal rabbit hole that keeps tunneling deeper and deeper into unknown territory. I’m in a state of moratorium – exploration, curiosity, turning over leaves I hadn’t thought to turn over before. I don’t know what hit me, but since the beginning of this week, my mind has been buzzing with all these random fears, anxieties, and confusion. I thought that transition would start and end at 23, but nope, the confusion of shifting is just getting started. All the things I wanted to get done at a certain time are colliding with my grasp of youth. This is just how I feel. Circumstances may prove otherwise, and I may change my opinion one way or another, if various pending situations go through. Or maybe I just subconsciously feel rushed and need to find some stability in my life before I can even feel ready.

But with all seriousness aside, the thought of being locked down to anything basically freaks me out, because I don’t even know where I’m at in life, so technically I don’t really know what I want out of life. I do think I’m in a great place, but it’s still uncertain. I usually take all my commitments seriously, which is why I get cold feet about committing to things, second-guess my decisions after making them, and have to think things through thoroughly before making huge leaps. But right now, I’m stuck in this limbo that I seem stuck in, like molasses. When I was a year younger, I was in search of stability and certainty. I wanted something concrete and set in stone. But now, I’m not sure if I do, and the thought that commitment involves a fixed decision just scares me. There are certain things that just scare me now, and I refuse to face them – things I would’ve eagerly considered and embraced.

This transition isn’t a bad thing. I think I’m reconstructing the things I want out of life. I’m throwing away things that don’t matter to me, and grasping onto the things that do matter. I’m also taking with me a knapsack of life experiences that have only made me wiser. But with that said, I’m not arriving at any final destinations and only going to keep riding forward. Life is a train that waits for no one. I’m starting to flee from the seriousness of life and just want a temporary state of reckless abandon and spontaneity. Maybe I need a new hobby, a new set of toys, a new set of friends, I just want something new that I get exhilarated by. A new hobby. I want to travel. I don’t want friends that are in serious relationships. I want single friends that I can do single things with.

A few weekends ago, someone got my number and kept contacting me throughout the week, and while flattered, I wasn’t compelled by the idea. Well, actually, I just wasn’t over-the-top interested in him to pursue it beyond the first text. But in the past, I would’ve been vaguely enticed by the idea of a relationship, even if the guy didn’t really attract me. But, I just want to be single and not tied down by anything. Maybe I’ll reach a point where things will seem right, and maybe I’ll meet a terrific person that catches my eye and is worth settling down for. Right now, I just want to have fun. I hate saying it, but it’s the honest truth. By “fun”, I don’t literally mean throwing out my agenda, morals, and making reckless decisions. Far from it. I just mean, enjoying life without a care, concern, or serious obligation. I’m at the most selfish stage of my 20s. I really do just want to focus on myself and my interests and goals. I don’t want to rush anything, please anyone, or live out this preconceived notion of an obligatory lifestyle that follows some fixed order. I want to explore my passions, my creativity, life, people. I am a work in progress, and far from perfect. I have so much in myself I need to work on – thought processes, the way I rationalize things, bad habits, and the occasional stronghold. But I’m ok with it! Yes, I still have concrete career ambitions that I want to pursue. Yes, things are looking somewhat promising. Yes, I’m still ambitious, responsible, conscientious, and thoughtful. Maybe I’m just in a weird funk, since things aren’t solidified in the career front. But everything tends to fall into place as it should, and right now, I’m re-evaluating who I am and what I want. I never really thought this, but time is of the essence. Time dictates everything in life – from your perspective, where you stand (literally), to your decisions, and ultimately a stable sense of self.